More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
