It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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