Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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