U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You're so nebulous sometimes
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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