Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
