If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
