I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
