hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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