Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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