If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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