life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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