Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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