yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
