either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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