Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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