god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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