Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
