Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
