When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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