If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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