his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
