she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
