found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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