One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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