So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize