so that wasnt chicken after all
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
