so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
