Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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