I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
