bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
