i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
