we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
