Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
