So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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