Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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