I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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