Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
