Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
