Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
