I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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