we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
