don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
