did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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