I hate your face
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
