you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
