he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
