time to smoke my breakfast
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize