your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize