if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I need to calm my uterus...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize