did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
