in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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