I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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