why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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