I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
