We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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