im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
