So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
