I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
